Nothing But
by kage-kurokawa
Summary: Brooding Sanzo...


Disclaimer: Okay, the truth of the matter is... I will NEVER own Saiyuki... comprende?

A/N: Hi minna san! I'm back again... trying to fool people into thinking that this crap is worth reading! : ) I hope it is though...

Anyway, I'd like to thank all the very kind people who wasted, er, took the time to read and review my other fics... thanks so much...

This is my third fic. Had a bit of free time now... and I read about the 83 week... so I decided to make something for it.

Well this is basically angst (or so I hope) : ) ... coz I love angst... especially angst with happy, almost sugar high endings... (half-kidding). Though I should say that this is not one of those though... sorry...

I don't know if this came out right. Why? Coz it's nothing but drabble. Oh well...

I'm still quite new at this writing thingy... so i just basically play with the words...

And please, please, please... read and review... onegaishimasu!

I love a brooding Sanzo...

Nothing But... by Kage Kurokawa

A clock tower in the distance struck midnight.

In a secluded inn somewhere near, a lone figure sat quietly by the window, watching the rain gently wash the earth with its cleansing waters. It's remarkable how such an innocent little natural phenomenon could hold within it so many thoughts, so many memories, so many nightmares...

But for a man like Genjo Sanzo, the rain symbolizes...nothing. The rain reminded him that there is nothing. Nothing in life, nothing in death. Nothing in himself. Nothing.

Once, it might have brought him sentiments of pain, of sorrow, of weakness... and then remind him of warmth, of smile, of silence. No matter how illusory. Now, there is nothing to it. It is but a part of the thread thoughts that pass in his sharp, numb, callous mind.

Everything he lived for was a lie. What he fought for was a lie. His existence itself was a lie. His feelings? He has none. If everything were mere frauds... and everything is but nothingness... then what is the truth?

Simple there is none. That was his conclusion.

There is no truth. The Truth is but a concept, a construct that people invented to affirm their existence, to verify that they and the world around them are real. However, sometimes they fail to realize that even reality in itself may not even be real.

And just when he thought he was beginning to believe that there was something real. Just when he thought he believed in such a thing as hope. It was snatched away from him in a blink of an eye. Like everything else in his life. He then realized one thing... _he thought_.

Thoughts are but abstract pieces of a puzzle put together to produce something coherent. And yet the whole puzzle is just another piece in itself. A part of a bigger picture. And the cycle goes on and on and on... only to eventually cease. Slowly, gradually, suddenly, or cruelly. It doesn't matter how it ends. What matters is that it does.

And at the end of the line, what's left is actually still an unfinished puzzle. A half, a quarter, three-fourths... never the whole thing.

Questions. Thoughts leave questions. The _why_s, and the _how_s and endless other queries in between. Never to be answered. Ever.

He should have learned all these things a long time ago. Should have. Then again, maybe he really was a masochistic bastard. He would have been, that is, if he was still capable of feeling anything at all...

Anything but hate. Yes, occasionally, he could almost believe that he could still feel hate. Amidst the frozen numbness that constitute himself, he can still feel hate... when he remembers, that is. And yet, that sensation is as real to him as the dreams are to a sleeper... it is but imaginary, because it comes to haunt him with a memory... a brief surge that comes with certain images from far away yesterday. But then it's just the feeling of the memory. And not of its owner...

Who was he kidding? Genjo Sanzo, the highest-ranking monk, feels absolutely nothing... not a thing. Though there was a time when he thought he did...

The rain won't seem to let up soon. It never really did...

Ahh... all these crap was because of the rain and the memory of _him_...

Yes.

_Him._

Flashback

Words came out unconsciously before they were stopped. A smile. Nervous. Faltering. It was an erroneous slip. Mutually understood.

"I don't think so." Came the response with a certain familiar scowl.

"Gomen." The other softly insisted.

"Fine." Bluntly stated. "In any case-"

"Please don't." Another smile. Pained. But still a smile. "I already know."

"Hn. Good." And all was well in the world of dreams.

xox

"Thank you." A quiet voice in the darkness.

"For what?" A frown.

"For having me around." A touch of a hand on golden threads.

"'Ch. As if I had a choice?" Mocking, yet soft.

"You had. You always have." Gentle answer. Always gentle.

Silence.

"Sanzo-" That tone. Using it had always been a mistake.

"Don't. You're not going to make anymore out of what this is." Cold. Always cold.

"And what is 'this'? A trace of anxiety.

"'This' is nothing but a mere necessity." Simply stated.

"A necessity..." Soothing hands stopped... thinking.

"Yes, I cannot give you what you think you are asking." Always to the point.

"I know. But I-" Reason?

"Stop." Caution.

"Gomen." Resignation.

"Go to sleep." And that was that.

Silence.

Then a whisper.

"I am not going to ask you for something I know you cannot give. I never did. And I will not start now. I just wanted you to know."

"Hn, then let's not talk about this again." Period.

"As you wish Sanzo..." The final whisper echoing in the hollow darkness...

_As you wish._

xox

Rain. Soft drizzle falling on the ground and on two figures, holding the other for what would be the final time. The rain, its cold drops washing the sea of red all around. Soothing the world... where it touched... except here and now...

"Baka." It was a statement.

"Gomen." It was never meant.

"Why did you do it?" Why indeed?

"B-Because-" A reason.

"Don't! You always say things you don't mean you bastard!" Not valid enough.

"How do you know I- I don't mean them?" Hope. False hope maybe... but still hope.

"Because it isn't not real." Facing the inevitable.

"Ho- How do you know it isn't real?" Desperation.

"If it is, then why did this?" Why, why, why?

Silence.

"So..." Hesitation.

"No." Firm decision.

"For the last time... why?" It may have been a plea.

"Bastard. You know very well why!" See beyond the words.

"Really? I didn't know that I had known..." Mockery. A hint of realization.

"You always had. This... is why." The rain kept pouring.

"I think I see now... th-thank you." Concession.

"Let go." Acceptance of fate.

"I- I love you..." Before the darkness came crashing down.

The rain continued to fall...

"_Forgive me."_

xox

Sanzo's POV 

_It's been three years._

_Yes. Three long years. It's getting tiresome by the day. Why does it have to bloody rain on this night of all nights? Why do things happen when they are not needed? Why do I even have to remember? Why did I even come to regret? _

_Because I nearly believed. It was a mistake._

_And maybe... because... I am sorry. Sorry that I cannot say the words that I knew you want to hear, not even when you seem to need to hear them the most. Three stupid words. What were they worth anyway? They might have actually meant something to you. But they don't mean anything to me. I don't know them. I've never felt them. I don't believe in them. I never did. I never will._

'_Tears?' Somewhere I can hear you ask. _

_Tears?_

_I have tears?_

_There is something that wet trickling down my cheeks._

_Yes._

_Tears._

_But they're not for you baka. They're for me. Because even after three years... I still can't give you your wish long after you're gone. You knew I couldn't. You knew I wouldn't. You've always known... and yet I think you always tried to believe that you could._

_What had been then was naught but an illusion. It was all a mirage. I had been living in it since I was young. You began your masquerade since the day she died. And we succeeded in deluding the world to see us as we please. Until we got caught in the midst of the deception ourselves. Until the fabrics of lies that we weaved became our reality. We were trapped. We found each other._

_Solace. Comfort. Yes. Another lie. There was no solace. There was no comfort. And we both know it. It was nothing more than a condition to satisfy the basic human cravings... That's all there is to it... _

_But you had to complicate things didn't you? You always had this twisted way of making complexities seem relatively simple and the simple things... you make them so damn convoluted. _

_From the start, we both knew that something that was founded and built from a lie can never be anything but more lies. Can bring forth nothing but lies. You knew it. Even as you led yourself to believe that you could make this fabrication into a reality. Even as you spoke to me for the last time. We both knew that it was nothing but a ghost. A phantom we can never touch... _

_Even when I saw the shadows rising from the depths of your eyes covering the green with gray. Even as I saw the gleam of life fade out. Nothing changed. I knew I couldn't say the words. I never can._

"_Forgive me." Those were the only things I could manage when I last held you beneath the falling rain._

_You smiled. You knew. You understood. You gave in. I cannot lie anymore. Somehow I believed I owe enough to spare you from another lie._

"_Let go." I told you simply as I watch you fade away._

_And then there was silence. There was nothing there._

_As there is nothing here... _

_I cannot cry for you..._

_I cannot believe in you..._

_I cannot love you..._

_I cannot feel for you..._

_Yet maybe, if I had been capable of those things... _

_In the end... _

_I think I would have hated you._

_Because you took nothing..._

_Indeed nothing._

_Nothing but..._

_Everything..._

Owari

A/N: Gack! Was that a sappy ending? I think its quite sappy...Gomenasai minna... How'd I do?

Man, this is bad... Is this thing angsty? I don't know... it's more... I blame philosophy 101 okay?

I still can't believe I did that? What did I do anyway? I don't know if I just killed Hakkai or if I just make him leave... maa, I guess it's open to interpretation... up to you... (sidenote: author is still too chicken to kill Hakkai outright at this point. Thus the inconsistency. Haha...)

All I can say is... I blame it on the brooding bug that bit me...

How was it? Hate me now? Hope not. Like it? hate it? I wish you'd let me know. I hope you read and reviews guys! I'd really, really, really, really, appreciate it! Even if it's to say that it sucked... not to much though. I'll try to write something more pleasant next time. Thanks in advance! : )

Ja, ne.


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